I’m Not Okay. I Will Be.

It’s a wonderful problem to have so many people in your life that are concerned for your health that it actually becomes exhausting to talk about it. I figure now is as good as time as any to give an update since I finally have some clear understanding of what my body has been going through. It started with my hip, then my shoulder and now my eyesight. The joys of being a Type 1 Diabetic.

18 months ago I started experiencing right hip pain. My mobility and strength in the leg started to suffer. Normal activities started to present challenges. Simple things like sitting cross legged were no longer possible. The pain would very from day to day ranging from 6 to 8 on a scale of 10. Driving more than 20 minutes was awful.

16 months ago I started experiencing left shoulder and bicep pain. Lifting anything up over my head was very difficult. The pain would bounce around to different locations throughout the shoulder and sleeping more than a hour or two a night was impossible. The pain, while inconsistent in its location, was always an 8 or 9 on a scale of 10. Simple tasks like putting on pants were anything but simple.

On June 25th, I started experiencing vision loss in my right eye. If I closed my left eye the entire world was a blur. Anything 8-10′ or further away from me was in focus. Anything closer than that distance was foggy and hindered by black spot. The closer the object the more difficult it was to see . My right eye was hemorrhaging…

Since all of this started back in 2013 I’ve seen more Doctors, Therapists & Specialists over the course of 18 months than most people will see in their lifetime. Five MRI’s, a few ultrasounds and countless x-rays never produced answers for the hip or the shoulder. The positive was no major damage was showing up. The negative was that everyone seemed to be at a loss as to the cause of the pain. A few friends wondered when I would be calling Dr. House. The only pain relief I was able to get was from cortisol injections. I have had 3 different injections since 2013, the last of which was given in May of this year for my shoulder. The issue was finally diagnosed correctly as Diabetic Frozen Shoulder. The injections would cause my blood sugars to elevate and take on a mind of their own for 2-3 months, but I would be able to actually get some sleep and and much needed recovery. Since I can remember I’ve always had what is considered an abnormally high tolerance for pain. From an early age I was told by Doctors that if I though about something more than 2 or 3 times, that it was time to get it looked at. The shoulder pain was beyond anything I had experienced before. The lack of sleep was destroying my body and my mind.

With the blood sugars bouncing around from injections trying to help fix my hip and shoulder, my Hemoglobin A1c tests had risen to 8.1 – 8.6%. A result of under 7% is preferred for Diabetics. A non-diabetic should have a range of 4% – 5.6%. The elevated and inconsistent sugars have resulted in my now compromised vision in my right eye. The difference in what my eyes physically looked like before the steroid injections and after is insane. You can find information on what my eye is going though by looking up Diabetic Retinopathy. Basically the vessels in the eye have started hemorrhaging. The “fix” is to have lasers shot in my eye to stop current bleeding and prevent further bleeding. It involves multiple treatments and there is no guarantee that my vision will ever return to normal. Over the last month the migraines have started to lessen (a product of having one eye in focus and one eye out of focus) and while I don’t necessarily think my vision has really improved I have started adapting. There are two more surgeries scheduled in August. I am hoping to have more answers as to recovery after those visits.

Lately it feels like my life has been taken over by the medical issues all stemming from Type 1. The hip and shoulder were likely minor injuries that most people would have healed easily from. For me it took me down this crazy medical three ring circus which while trying to fix certain issues ended up breaking something else. It ended with multiple specialists having said you’re on your own or we cut you open and my vision being compromised. Pain had become my identity and it wasn’t only physical. A day didn’t go by that I didn’t think about how much of a burden I was to the people closest to me. The harder I tried to get things under control, the worse it felt like things were getting. The only child in me started taking over and instead of asking for help I was internalizing everything. I had hit a point of feeling lost with who I was.

Ten days ago without even thinking about it, I sat down on the floor cross-legged. This one simple movement, one that I haven’t been able to do since this all started, cleared my head and let me know that it would be okay. Even if life wouldn’t be what I was used to I will make it work. I refuse to let this crap take over my life any more than it already has. I have always been a very visual person and to have that aspect of my life compromised is awful. It’s a crappy set of cards to be dealt, but I am thankful that I am still able to see. Now it’s a matter of assuming that the right eye wont get better and figuring out how to adapt. As far as the hip and shoulder go – I will keep working on getting physically stronger and eventually I will end up back doing what I love.

bruce_leeThe sun will rise and set no matter how you choose to live your life. There are way too many things out there to enjoy and it’s really hard to find that enjoyment when you’re angry at the world and feeling sorry for yourself. I will remove the useless and negative influences in my life. I will make it a point to not give a shit when someone says, “That sucks. I don’t know how you do that. I could never…” I am dealing with it because the alternative really sucks. It’s only as bad as we allow it to be. I will adapt and figure out how to continue to do the things I love. I will get stronger. I will be okay.


Injuries, Adversity & Staying Positive

Over the last couple of months Merlin and I have had a great deal of growth and success as a team at trials. The game has been turning on for him. We still have some training opportunities to address, but he has a genuine excitement to be at trials now which is a far cry from where he was last year. I don’t find myself getting quite so exhausted ramping him up before and during our runs. No longer am I having to wait until the very last moment to signal collection in order to keep him driving towards the obstacle before we turn. My last second cues are now starting to send him out wide and I couldn’t be happier with his performances. We’ve worked very hard to keep it fun and exciting and that work it starting to show.

MC Jumpers 05-17-2015

MC Jumpers 05-17-2015

We had some absolutely phenomenal runs at our last USDAA trial, including a 1st place in Biathlon with quite possibly our best technical run ever. I was able to give him the information he needed sooner, and we weren’t experiencing a drop off in speed. We’ve typically done quite well with technical on its own or with wide open on its own, but when the two are combined we start to flatten out in the speed department. However, we were both running happy and the results showed it. We Q’d 6 of our 9 runs, all with first place finishes as well as wrapping up all of the needed qualifications for Cynosports.

The success of the weekend was an exclamation point for me mentally. Decisions that I made with our training were proving to be correct, even though they were scary as hell at the time. Voices in my head were being silenced. For whatever the reason, over our relatively short time learning and competing in agility the words “he can’t…” and “he wont be able to…” have been whispered behind my back on a few occasions (funny haha… it’s really interesting what audio can be picked up at trials when runs are being recorded). I have no idea why these opinions were shared, and to be completely honest there are times where I feel like an outsider in the sport. I didn’t come from a horse background. I didn’t have a BC from a big name breeder. I like running & sprinting my ass off on the course. Finally I’m a guy in a female dominated world. Perhaps it’s their own insecurities being spoken, but to an introvert it can be mentally crippling. When I started this adventure with Merlin I had zero training in agility. I had a dog, a dream and an open mind. In the end it really doesn’t matter what is said… now all it does is help to motivate me. These last couple of months have shown that we can and we will, and it has felt great.

The overwhelming sense of joy I had quickly came back down to Earth on the following Monday. When I had got home from work I could tell something wasn’t quite right with Merlin. It was just some subtle things that most folks wouldn’t pick up on, but when you have a sensitive dog you tend to be aware of everything they do that isn’t “normal”. This is where it’s extremely nice to be working with Dr. Woodside. I brought him into work and he got a nice little checkup. He appeared to be his normal self, with the exception that he was dragging his rear toes while walking and jogging. Decided to give Merlin some rest from agility and take him to our regular vet for x-rays to see what’s going on with his back, hips and knees. Hopefully the X-rays wouldn’t show anything and I’d now know what I had structurally.

"Hi. I'm sorry you don't understand how f'ng awesome I am!"

“Hi. I’m sorry you don’t understand how f’ng awesome I am!”

The X-ray appointment was scheduled for 30 minutes and I figured we’d be in and out pretty quickly since it should have only really needed the tech and assistants. Our regular Doctor, who has been nothing short of amazing for our animals, was not in the office that day and this trip reaffirmed my belief in going to specialists when it comes to the athlete and injuries. The standard couch potato house dog and the canine athlete are different animals and it seems a number of vets are not used to seeing fit dogs these days. Unfortunately there’s no such thing as a drive through service for x-ray referrals, and I’m pretty sure there were less hoops to jump through for any of my five MRIs. Instead we got the full clinical treatment with multiple diagnosis being tossed out at us to see what would stick. Ninety minutes later and I was finally out the door. My brain was fried and quite frankly I was pissed at the laundry list of problems that were given as possible reasons for his discomfort. I of all people know the struggle it can be to diagnose an injury in humans, let alone in the pups. I was appreciative of Doctor’s help in trying to figure out what was going on, but I don’t think I could have made it any more clear that I just wanted the x-rays shot. Life would be much easier if the animals could just hold up a sign.

Once Dr. Woodside was able to view the x-rays I had some answers as to what has been ailing Merlin…

Partially Torn Cranial Cruciate Ligaments. Yup… he managed tear both knees… at the same time. My little over achiever.

The next few minutes are a complete blank. We had just gotten done dealing with a multi-day Emergency Vet trip for one of our cats, and now this. I then started asking all sorts of questions I already knew the answers to. “So no agility?” “For how long?” “Can we go to Cynosports?” “What about swimming… it’s summer and he loves swimming…” At this point the devastation of reality set in. While this was not the news I wanted to hear, part of me knew that this could happen. We had been through a full tear of one CCL with our Ridgeback and looking back at that learning experience Merlin was starting to show similar symptoms.

FragileA few friends have asked me how did this happen and there really isn’t an easy answer. First off, I have no idea when the injuries happened. Considering how well he has been running, it either happened recently or he did an extremely good job of hiding his pain. He has lost three pounds (12% of his body weight) since his last checkup 4 months ago. He could have been compensating for some time and masked it very well. Single ruptures of the CCL are not all that uncommon. Tearing both at the same time is all sorts of special. Merlin didn’t exactly win the genetics lottery when it comes to his structure and that has most likely factored into the injury. He was also neutered at eight months, which I think played a larger role in this. Looking back at it I wish we would have had a vasectomy done instead of the castration.

While you never want to deal with an injury of any sorts, I am thankful for the positives that are in play. First and foremost, we caught it early and its not life threatening. The tears are hopefully minor enough that we can avoid surgery with proper rehabilitation and rest (which could be considered a BC’s death sentence) and eventually return to a normal life. Secondly, I can’t imagine trying to go through this with my previous work/employer. There are definitely some perks to working with a rehab vet when your pup is in need. We’ll get to experiment with a few new toys and see how it goes. I see weighted vest walks for both of us in the near future and as crazy as it sounds, I actually enjoy doing strength and stability exercises with the pups. Third, he is young. Merlin turns 4 on Saturday and the healing process should be much easier now than say at 9 or 10 years of age – Happy Birthday Buddy…

As this has all settled into my brain, I’ve spent time re-evaluating our goals. For now the dreams of his ADCH title he’s ever so close to (1 Standard & 1 Gamble), going to Cynosports and participating in World Team Tryouts are shelved. They have been replaced with getting him stronger and avoiding surgery. It is my hope that we’ll be able to return to playing the game we both enjoy, but I’m also aware that there is a chance that his body just wont allow for it. We won’t spend time worrying about things that are out of our control. Right now we are focused on his 8 weeks of crate rest, walks and stability exercises. We’ll re-evaluate and go from there. The hope is to start bringing him back into agility slowly after the 8 weeks. Mentally to get through this I need to believe that we will return. Thank you to everyone who has offered their support and kind words. We shall rebuild him bigger, faster and stronger.

“When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.”

Merlin enjoying the sunset at the Fox River

Merlin enjoying the sunset at the Fox River